the weight

I have lost 35 pounds
but I still feel heavy
the tag reads two sizes smaller
but in the mirror I still see
the same fat girl
but I’m alone now
carrying all this weight
of my body
of my choices
of everything really

I have lost 35 pounds
but it feels like I’m carrying around
so much more

my suns (sons)

holding your little hands in mine
seeing your smiles
hearing your laughs
my face is in your faces
pieces of me
make up pieces of you
you both are my heart
and my life
and my light
my boys until
forever

I am the light

take my hand
I want to show you
my light
my love
let me bewitch you
dazzle you
amaze you
come
take my hand

hindsight

I can feel the fire
the flame deep inside
I can see the light
it’s brighter than its ever been before
I am the witch
I am the goddess
and all I want to do is laugh
and smile
because I know now
the universe is guiding me
and teaching me
and the things I thought I needed
are clearly not the things I need

fake men

I will not chase you or anyone else. You will not use me. I see right through your two-faced bullshit. Quit pretending to be someone and something else.

it’s hard to silence 18 years

I still get mad sometimes. The one-sided conversations (you remember, the ones you said were attacks) pop up in my mind and get me raging all over again. Just because I’m upset, it doesn’t mean I want you back. I don’t need you or miss you, but I still grieve. I mourn for the life I’d made up in head. I mourn for the man who doesn’t exist. Sometimes I still want things that aren’t real.