my heart feels a little more open today
and I am so grateful

x

I want you to be happy
I want you to be able to smile
when you are by yourself
I want you to feel and know that you are
worthy
enough
kind
strong
I hope you feel that
I hope you know that

I could not live up to
any of their expectations
I tore myself down
exhausted all my strength
I gave up pieces of me
stepped out of my bubble
but what did I get in return?
I got to feel crazy
jealous
shamed
why?
why?

why?

hey girl
you are doing just fine and
you are gonna be all right

My sister posted something to social media about our mom and how we haven’t spoken with her a several months now. Someone made a comment about life being too short, how he had recently lost relatives, and how would my sister feel if our mom passed away today? The comment seemed to imply that she was making a bad decision by choosing to cut our mom out of her life. Let me share with you a little story about my mother.

When I was 11 years old, my family moved to Arizona. My sister was 8 and my brother was 4. My dad was in the Air Force, so moving was just something you did a lot. Guess who did not come with us? My mom. She chose to stay behind so she could continue working. We lived in Arizona for 4 years. My mom would come down every few months to visit and shower us with material shit to show she “loved” us. It always used to bug me that my mom essentially abandoned us growing up. It wasn’t until recently, after I had my own children, that it bothered me more. My youngest is the same age my brother was when my mother left us. I just cannot imagine in any way, shape, or form how I would be okay seeing my two kids once every few months. Just no. How can you say you love your kids and basically never see them?

When we all finally moved back to Las Vegas, you’d think that when she was finally seeing us again everyday we’d be more connected, but no. She could never tell you what we were doing in school, who our friends were, what jobs we had, anything. She stayed out late at night and didn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning. She was only involved with us at a very superficial level.

Now the more recent. It finally comes out that for over a decade my mom has been having an affair with the same man. She’s traveled all around the world with him. She’s met all his family. His grandson was sitting in her car in the car seat that was supposed to be for my child. I tried to talk to my mom about all of this. I told her I’d scene the photos. She insisted that he was “just a friend.” After all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, she has the audacity to think I am stupid enough to believe that crap. I told her when she was ready to be honest, I was ready to forgive and move on. She still has not reached out to me.

So, if my mom passed away today, would I be okay with it? Damn fucking straight. Just because someone is related to you, it doesn’t make them family. You don’t automatically get to be a part of my life because we share some of the same DNA. She can continue to be a liar and do whatever else she wants, but I get to choose not be associated with that. A good friend recently told me that my family didn’t “implode” rather the universe has set you and the truth free. He’s 100% right.