a girl who writes

I feel like my emotions have been all out of sorts. Again. I haven’t been reading. I haven’t been writing. It feels like I haven’t really done much of me lately. I find myself feeling scared that maybe I’ve lost me again. The last year has been a crazy new struggle and I feel like for most of it I’ve just been trying to keep myself from drowning. I’ve swung so far back and forth on the emotional pendulum. It would be nice not to feel so…up and down, all the time.

I finally did it. I have been looking at my closet for weeks (months?) now feeling sad. I would see all these cute clothes that just do not fit anymore. I lost so much weight post-divorce, only to gain all of it back post-Covid. Sure, I can totally lose all the weight again, but that won’t happen overnight, and in the meantime, it’s not doing me any good seeing it everyday. It just serves as a constant reminder that I have somehow failed. I don’t want that. So, off the clothes went into bags. They will find new homes somewhere else. And here? Now I just see clothes that actually fit the body I have now and I am so good with that. The only small items I kept were my bridesmaids dresses and the dress I wore on my first date with Nick (because, you know, good memories). When I lose all the weight again, I’ll reward myself with a new wardrobe. Until then, I am here to celebrate and embrace who I am now.

It’s only Tuesday and I am already done for the week. Why am I so tired? Only one more day of distance learning. Next week is Spring Break. The boys will be at camp so we all get a break. Then if everything goes as planned, they will finally be back to school in person full-time. To say I am looking forward to it is an understatement. My body is tired and my brain is mush.

The boys started hybrid learning this week. Of course I am feeling guilt about it. I should be keeping them home and safe. I shouldn’t be excited about returning to the office a few days a week. I should be able to just handle it all and not be exhausted and drained by mid-afternoon. I am not a super hero, damn it. I’m one person and I never signed up to be a homeschool teacher. When I got pregnant, it was always my plan to go back to work. I was not going to be a stay-at-home mom. Yes, there are child care options that assist with distance learning, but we quickly discovered that it was better for the kids if they had someone helping them with everything directly. So for the last year I sacrificed my mental and emotional health to do what was best for the boys. I’d do it all over again just the same, but fuck, I am tired. This pandemic is kicking my ass and I am ready for it to be done. I am grateful for the little steps toward normalcy, but actual “normal” cannot come quickly enough.