Sometimes it feels like I am waiting to see your face on my phone, so I can argue with myself about whether to swipe left or right.

I feel like a piece of me is missing again. After losing what I thought was supposed to be my life, I found and rediscovered parts of me I never realized I had lost. And still. In this very moment, I feel empty. There is a space inside me with nothing in it. There is a hole, a void. I don’t think it is another person that is missing. It’s something of me. I wonder if I have been giving up little pieces of my soul this entire time. I am confused about what I want, about what I need. I don’t know what it is that’s missing. Is it connection? Is it validation? Is it love? I think I need all of those things–from myself.

your face

it’s easier now to see your face
just a memory
of what used to be
now slowly fading over time

i used to know the person
behind those eyes
or at least i thought i did
i don’t think that person
ever truly existed

one day
maybe one day
there will be a new face
one to trust
one to love
a face that didn’t break my heart
a face that didn’t betray me
one that will show me
i can still feel that way again

the way you fucked me

how did it feel
to fuck my throat
then fuck me over
like I am nothing?

how did it feel
to use me
when you needed me
without regard
to what I needed
or wanted
or straight up deserved?

how did it feel
to see my desperation
to see my humiliation?

did you feel powerful?

did you feel better?

did you feel me
or see me
at all?

shame

When it comes to sex, why do women feel so much shame? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? What is so wrong about learning, and feeling, and enjoying? I am my own worst enemy. If my story was my friend’s, my acquaintance’s, a stranger’s–there would be no judgment. But why…why when it comes to me do I feel so…slutty? For 18 years, I had only know one man. I had given myself only to one person. It was supposed to be forever. (What happened to forever?) I was betrayed. And rejected. And made to feel not good enough, not worthy enough. So bring the affirmations. I am amazing. I am worthy. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I will not feel guilty for living my life. I will not feel guilty for doing what I want. I will not feel guilty for being me.

untitled

I want to feel
you
all over me

Bring the wet
Bring your breath
Bring your tongue

I want to feel
you
all over me

Let me feel the heat

Bring me
to the edge
Bring me
to the peak

I want you

All
Over
Me