Lost Again

Ever since I got back from Knott’s with the boys I have been mentally and emotionally all over the place. I missed several days of my medication on vacation. I forgot to take them. I quickly got back on schedule, but still, I feel completely all out of sorts. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I feel overly emotionally and mentally all over the place.

On Thursday, the boys and I went to the animal shelter and adopted a dog. I last through the weekend. I feel incredibly guilty and like a fucking shitty ass mom. It’s been three years since I had my dachshunds. The boys are older. I thought I was in a good place. Then, over the weekend, while the boys were with their dad, I was a giant ball of anxiety. I cried and cried. I felt like I had made this huge mistake. Monday, even though he was a great dog, I returned him to the shelter. The boys are mad at me, as they should be. But what could I do? I am so angry with myself.

I am not quite right at the moment and I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. And sad. And guilty. And disappointed.

Random Thoughts on Hair

I went to the salon last week to get my hair done. It had been a while. I had a good two inches of roots showing and my hair was the longest it’s ever been. I had my hair dyed and chopped a good amount of length off. I felt like a whole new person afterward. It got me thinking how women’s identities rely heavily on their hair.

For years and years and years, I had the same a-line bob. Sometimes it’d be a little shorter. Sometimes a little longer. But, it was always pretty much the same. When I found out my ex-husband had been cheating on me, I happened to have a hair appointment a few days later. When I went in, I wanted to change my whole look. I was going through something terrible and I didn’t feel like myself. I needed to look different. That’s when highlights, bangs, and a different cut came in.

2021

Let’s start and focus on some of the good things that happened in 2021.

  • My first NEW new car.
  • Family camping trip, take 2. A fantastic escape with the best people! A two-day road trip. Death Valley. Bodie Ghost Town. Loon Lake near Lake Tahoe. The Clown Motel.
  • Getaways with the boys. Disneyland twice. California Adventure. Knott’s Berry Farm. Plus waking up next to the ocean!
  • Staycations. So many fun nights on the Strip with Nick. Drinks, slots, and so, so, so much walking.
  • Chicago. Meeting Nick’s family and friends. Museum. The Bean. Downtown Chicago. Italian beef. Deep dish pizza.
  • Shows! Backstreet Boys/NSYNC/Boyz II Men. The Nutcracker. A Christmas Carole.
  • Bowling league with my dad, brother, and brother-in-law.
  • So many hockey games. Go, Knights, Go!
  • Celebrating 2 years with Nick.
  • Ending the year in the best financial position of my entire life.

The bad?

  • Getting ghosted by my mom. Though it did help me to realize that I don’t want a relationship with her that is going to be me pretending I don’t know about her “second life.”
  • The first half of the year was still an adventure in distance learning. We got through it, but man that shit was hard.
  • Too many health scares. Finding out my dad had skin cancer. (It was all successfully removed. Thank god!) An abnormal pap, HPV, and colposcopy for myself. (The biopsy came back benign. Again, thank god!)

Way more good than bad. Here’s to 2022!

You hold me down, not back.

I can never thank you enough for it.

Ghosted

So my mom ghosted me. That’s nice, isn’t it? She had texted me about getting together to see the boys. It took me several days to work up the nerve to respond. I finally told her I was struggling with our relationship. I want her to see me and the boys more, but I can’t pretend like I don’t know about this other life she lives. Unsurprisingly, she never responded. It hurts, but it’s not like I didn’t expect that.

I was looking at her boyfriend’s Facebook page and there was a photo of him, her, and his grandson (who is my oldest’s age). They were wearing matching Christmas jammies. Nick saw me looking at it and told me I had to stop looking. He knows it’s hard, but it’s better if you don’t. He is right. A small part of my wishes my mom could be better, but she’s a narcissist and can’t get over her own self. I can’t do anything to change that. I should try to stop torturing myself by looking at reminders that she chose them over us.

Under His Eye

Yesterday, I stepped out of comfort zone and went to a cosplay bar by myself. Nick was working so he couldn’t come with me. I really wanted to show off my Offred/handmaid costume again. I entered the costume contest and although I didn’t win, my costume was a big success. A couple people wanted pictures.

A guy I dated in the past was a regular at this bar and at some point after we dated he became the official photographer. Although this guy was the one who first took me to this place, I had heard of it previously and had already been wanting to check it out.it took a whole glass of a wine cocktail for me to work up the nerve to get my photo taken by him. I knew it was going to be awkward, but it was kind of worse than I thought. Honestly, I don’t blame him for not wanting to say anything at all to me. I am the villain in his story. I know that. I am not sure what I was hoping for. I really just wanted him to be doing well. We were not a great match relationship-wise, but I still want happiness for him. I guess part of me to is sad that every past relationship I have had has ended without any additional contact. Maybe that’s how all relationships go?

This ex told me once that he was not the same guy referring to my ex-husband who cheated on me). Nick recently made a similar statement after I had been emotional about him working and staying on the strip so much. The difference is Nick said right after that he got it though. He understands that it has to be hard with what ex- husband did and my mom too. Two people close to you. I get it, but I wouldn’t do that to you. Just Nick acknowledging that and understanding my past made me feel sane, sate, and loved. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for him.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. It hasn’t felt that long at all. Time has flown by. I’m looking forward to another year together. And like forever too….

still a goddess

even powerful women tire

lose themselves sometimes

are unable to see the light

that doesn’t make them any less powerful

nobody is perfect

Apple Fan Girl

I am bringing technology and writing together in hope that maybe it will help me post more. I have been sorely neglecting my blog and it makes me feel bad and sad. I always loved writing in a paper journal but I equally wanted to blog online. I always found comfort in putting a little piece of myself out there in the world for others to find. So, I invested in an Apple Pencil. Now, I am able to get the feeling of writing and not have to retype everything into my blog. I am hoping the convenience and coolness of it will spur more posts. I guess we will see.