You hold me down, not back.

I can never thank you enough for it.

Ghosted

So my mom ghosted me. That’s nice, isn’t it? She had texted me about getting together to see the boys. It took me several days to work up the nerve to respond. I finally told her I was struggling with our relationship. I want her to see me and the boys more, but I can’t pretend like I don’t know about this other life she lives. Unsurprisingly, she never responded. It hurts, but it’s not like I didn’t expect that.

I was looking at her boyfriend’s Facebook page and there was a photo of him, her, and his grandson (who is my oldest’s age). They were wearing matching Christmas jammies. Nick saw me looking at it and told me I had to stop looking. He knows it’s hard, but it’s better if you don’t. He is right. A small part of my wishes my mom could be better, but she’s a narcissist and can’t get over her own self. I can’t do anything to change that. I should try to stop torturing myself by looking at reminders that she chose them over us.

Under His Eye

Yesterday, I stepped out of comfort zone and went to a cosplay bar by myself. Nick was working so he couldn’t come with me. I really wanted to show off my Offred/handmaid costume again. I entered the costume contest and although I didn’t win, my costume was a big success. A couple people wanted pictures.

A guy I dated in the past was a regular at this bar and at some point after we dated he became the official photographer. Although this guy was the one who first took me to this place, I had heard of it previously and had already been wanting to check it out.it took a whole glass of a wine cocktail for me to work up the nerve to get my photo taken by him. I knew it was going to be awkward, but it was kind of worse than I thought. Honestly, I don’t blame him for not wanting to say anything at all to me. I am the villain in his story. I know that. I am not sure what I was hoping for. I really just wanted him to be doing well. We were not a great match relationship-wise, but I still want happiness for him. I guess part of me to is sad that every past relationship I have had has ended without any additional contact. Maybe that’s how all relationships go?

This ex told me once that he was not the same guy referring to my ex-husband who cheated on me). Nick recently made a similar statement after I had been emotional about him working and staying on the strip so much. The difference is Nick said right after that he got it though. He understands that it has to be hard with what ex- husband did and my mom too. Two people close to you. I get it, but I wouldn’t do that to you. Just Nick acknowledging that and understanding my past made me feel sane, sate, and loved. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for him.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. It hasn’t felt that long at all. Time has flown by. I’m looking forward to another year together. And like forever too….

still a goddess

even powerful women tire

lose themselves sometimes

are unable to see the light

that doesn’t make them any less powerful

nobody is perfect

Apple Fan Girl

I am bringing technology and writing together in hope that maybe it will help me post more. I have been sorely neglecting my blog and it makes me feel bad and sad. I always loved writing in a paper journal but I equally wanted to blog online. I always found comfort in putting a little piece of myself out there in the world for others to find. So, I invested in an Apple Pencil. Now, I am able to get the feeling of writing and not have to retype everything into my blog. I am hoping the convenience and coolness of it will spur more posts. I guess we will see.

Magical Getaway

Trips with the boys have always been chaotic. They’re little, fidgety, and have energy for days. This past weekend, I’d scheduled a somewhat last minute trip to Disneyland. The boys had a long weekend so it was the perfect opportunity for a road trip. The weekend vacation was so much fun. The boys got along for most of the trip. There wasn’t much arguing. They were mostly patient in the lines. The loved riding all the “big rides.” Both days at the park were so nice. I felt reconnected to them. We just enjoyed each other’s company. I think with everything that has gone on with the pandemic, school, and childcare, things have been super exhausting and overwhelming. They call Disney the Magical Kingdom and, honestly, it truly delivered the magic.

An Eye For An Eye

I was catching up with a good friend of mine. It had been a while since we’d had a real conversation. During our talk, I had this crazy revelation. He said to me, “You have a beautiful home filled with so much love. You haven’t moved in a while. You spent all that time moving around, when all you needed was to move on.” I don’t even know why I hadn’t even put two and two together. I am coming up on three years in my home, which for my history, is basically a lifetime. Maybe subconsciously I knew my relationship with Ryan wasn’t it. My heart and spirit knew before my mind did, but I am stubborn woman. (I get that from my mother.) At some point, my mind, heart, body, and spirit all lined up and I took the first step on a different path. My friend told me in order to open the door to something new, you have to close the door on something else. Look at me now. One fucking scary first step and look what emerged: love, independence, strength, communication. Fucking fabulous.

That’s Not Enough Anymore

her: when we fight, why do you always want to run and hide?

him: i don’t like dealing with it.

her: the problem doesn’t go away.

him: i know.

her: it’s gets even bigger when you come back.

—2002

I have been writing since I was a teenager. It’s the only way I ever really knew how to get my feelings and my thoughts out. Looking at this poem makes me a little sad though. How did I put up with communication like that for nearly two decades? I am way too patient for my own good.