Quarantine & Mom Guilt

Quarantine is slowly killing me. Not physically, but mentally. I’m not the only one either. Yesterday, another mom vented in a group chat about how frustrated and overwhelmed she was feeling again. That was not the first chat about feeling this way either. It was one of many and we’ve each taken turns letting our emotions out. We are lucky to have found a small group of other moms that we can vent to in a safe space without judgment, but some moms are not so lucky. Even with others to talk to, it feels incredibly lonely right now. The isolation, distance education, and trying to juggle a full-time job has taken an immense toll on my mental health. I feel heavy and burdened all the time. I cry, a lot. Some days, it feels like this will never end.

Even though it feels lonely, I am not really alone. I am grateful to have a partner who wants to help with the boys. My coworkers are super understanding of the struggle of working from home and being a teacher at the same time. Because I co-parent, I get some breaks during the week to try and reset. The boys have a caring grandma who also helps when she can and watches them too. But for some reason, it often makes me feel incredibly guilty. Instead of getting a break and feeling relaxed, I end up just feel guilty for the help. My boyfriend watch my youngest yesterday afternoon while I passed out for two hours. When I got up, all I could feel was guilt and panic. Even though he has told me many times before that he wants to help, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking my boys are not his kids. They are my responsibility. So the heaviness sets in. You are a shitty mom. You are not good enough. It shouldn’t be this hard. What is wrong with you?

Every day I am tired. Not I need more sleep tired, but drained tired. Exhausted tired. Not-sure-how-much-more-of-myself-I-can-give tired.

Us

Your heart was meant to find mine.
Together we will start a new lifetime
in this little house I made a home.

Motherhood

Some days you will feel inadequate.
You will question whether you are good enough.
You will lack confidence.
You will wonder how you are supposed to
raise two little boys into two amazing men.
You will feel the weight pressed on your shoulders.
You will doubt your abilities.
But, know this.
It will pass.
Every mom questions her sanity.
But, you got this.
Momma, you got this.

You See Me

You told me once you couldn’t read people’s expressions, but you’ve somehow managed to learn mine.

Loyalty is a verb. Love is a verb. I can’t remember where I heard that, but it’s true. My heart is so full right now. It is crazy to think it has been two years since I started a new life all on my own. If you would have asked me then where I saw myself in the future, I’m not sure it would be here. I was so jaded and blinded by betrayal. I found parts of myself that had been missing for years, but also lost parts of me that had been there all along. I feel like I have been blessed with a real partner. Someone who appreciates the things I do. Someone who adores my body. Someone who can communicate at a high level. Someone who doesn’t shut down and bottle things up. I have found a man who sees me and loves me for exactly who I am. I am grateful for him and this new life I never expected.

So my heart stopped and I nervously laughed

I thought about all the ways
things could change when I finally
told you I loved you.

I thought about all the ways
things could change when you finally
met my children.

But, I never once thought about the ways
things could change if
they said they loved you.