I still say thank u

hey love
hey hot stuff
hey sunflower
the different men who come
into your life
the different lessons
you are supposed to learn
in the end
you’ll grow
and change
but hopefully
for the better

I feel all Carrie Bradshaw and Sex & The City right now. I have only used my balcony a handful of times since I’ve been in my house. The weather is beautiful right now and I am trying to find myself again, so here I am, changing things up. Instead of lying in my bed, under the covers, writing something on my phone, I am out on my balcony, wearing leggings and fuzzy socks, typing on my laptop, listening to the crickets and sounds of my neighborhood. Honestly, it feels amazing. I am not sure why I haven’t done this sooner.

I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. We haven’t really spoken in months, but I think that’s the beauty of true friendship. When you’ve got a real friend, it doesn’t matter where you’ve left off or how long ago it was, you just pick right back up. You both live busy lives, but when it comes down to it, these are the people who will have your back forever. So, we caught each other up on the ups and downs for life. I rehashed the bullshit that is mother, the wonderfulness of the three (now four) musketeers, and the drama that is my love life. My friend is gifted with sight and guides and every time we talk, I am always shown and told what my heart and mind sometimes don’t want to admit. I always feel refreshed after our discussions.

And because I promised to write it down, I am more powerful than I believe and I am stronger the things I am accepting and doing right now.

kind of like a phoenix

my heart bled out inside me
yet I found a way to survive

my heart
soft, smooth, and giving
turned sharp, bitter, and rough

my heart
broken and smashed
still found a way to heal

my heart
mine
me

I am fire
if you want something salty and sweet
with no opinion
I am not the woman for you
I spit flames
often.

—Janne Robinson

I ran into a friend unexpectedly on Thursday. We had the best catch-up conversation about mindset, mistakes, and life. Something she mentioned was rewriting the past. Your past doesn’t need to hold you hostage or make you a victim. Change it to make yourself feel secure and safe again. It got me thinking. I have always had a strong personality. I can be controlling and stubborn. I am a giver and have the tendency to lose myself in a relationship. What if I didn’t separate and divorce my ex-husband because he cheated on me? What if I didn’t leave because he obviously didn’t want me anymore? What if, instead, I moved on because I was ready for something else? What if I moved on because he wasn’t what I needed anymore? What if I left not because of the things he did or didn’t do, but because I decided I needed a new life? How does reframing my past affect how I view my present and my future? Instead of feeling “done wrong”, I can look at things in a different perspective.

One thing my friend and I believe strongly is that you can only control your own thoughts and beliefs. You shouldn’t let what others think affect your own beliefs. I have been accused of being like my ex-husband and other cheaters. That is not my truth. This person judged me and tried to shame me. It is not my fault that he assumed something more than what was. There was no implied commitment. It was and always has been casual. Why anybody thinks they have the right to make judgments on someone else’s sexual activity when they are single is beyond me. Ever since my separation, sex has been about fun and pleasure. Sometimes there is an emotional connection, but that is not necessary for me. Not anymore. There is nothing wrong with a woman owning her sexuality. I won’t let anybody else’s moral judgments make me feel bad. I was fucking around two weeks after I was officially separated from my relationship of nearly two decades. I didn’t feel bad about that and I won’t feel bad about this.

I am grateful to have ran into my girlfriend. I feel like the universe knew I needed her. She has been where I have been and her wisdom and understanding is always appreciated.

another version of slut shaming

there is no shame here
take your judgments and
fuck right off
I made my choices
as you did yours
I will not be responsible
or burdened
for what you feel
or what you think
your truth is not my truth
I am not them and
they are not me

and I need to be redeemed…

I’ve been a bad, bad girl
I’ve been careless with a delicate man
And it’s a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can

Don’t you tell me to deny it
I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins
I’ve come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin

—Criminal by Fiona Apple

My number one go-to karaoke song for years. It has a deeper meaning for me these days. How I managed to create such a fucking disastrous cluster is beyond me. Maybe the universe or God is trying to teach me a very hard lesson. Either way, I am paying attention now and feeling great remorse for the pain I have inflicted on people. I did not intend to hurt anyone, but my truth isn’t their truth. I don’t believe they will see it from my perspective and that’s okay. They don’t need to. All that’s left is for me process the situation and find out what it is I am supposed to learn from this. Obviously, I needed a hard kick in the ass, but I am listening now. Show me, universe, what I need to see.

the path is never a smooth & straight one

it’s hard when we let the past
affect our present
and our future
to move passed our insecurities
and frustrations
to not let ego
and misunderstandings
get in our own way
it is so easy to lose the path
but there must be a way
forward

my heart is numb
my mind is tired
just tell me
straight to my face
what is it you want?