To all the men I’ve ever loved

1. You were supposed to be the love of my life. We were supposed to grow old together. Instead, I learned what the sting of betrayal feels like. You showed me that love is not a fairy tale. I can longer be so naive in how I look at love. But, without realizing, you also helped me find things I didn’t realize were lost. I am stronger than I have ever been before. I have discovered new sides of me. I have become an amazing woman. Without the pain and the hurt, I probably wouldn’t be the girl you see today.

2. We were never destined or fated to be together. Not that I believe in any of that anymore. But, what you taught me is that there are emotional men out there who can communicate. Though your emotions were often set aflame, I will forever be grateful for the time and lessons I learned with you. We connected because of our past and pain. You showed me the possibility of a different kind of relationship and I thank you. I am still saddened by the way our friendship crumbled apart. But, even in our ultimate downfall, I learned more about myself.

3. I wasn’t aware that I had more lessons to learn. Arrogantly, many of us believe we have everything figured out. But, you came into my life and showed me I still have so very much to be taught. My relationship with you made me very aware that I am still struggling with trust issues. I don’t think I realized how big of a wall I had constructed around my heart. I admire your desire to break down that wall, piece by piece, but ultimately we both knew that was only job I could do on my own. You did help me get out of my comfort zone. I tried new things I never dreamed I’d ever do. But, I think what partly attracted me to you in the beginning ended up being our demise. I hope you find what makes you happy. I believe you need to find someone who values the spotlight.

4. I don’t know you well yet. I still don’t believe in destiny or fate. But, I do feel a strong sense of connection when you are near me. Butterflies, sparks, lust. I don’t know what it is, but I am drawn to you. I may not love you yet, but if you give me time….

you bring me peace

I am grateful for the night we met
hours of conversation and
tension building
until our lips touched and I felt
your skin on mine
I felt safe with you that night
and every night with you since
nobody can hurt me
with your arms wrapped around me

I don’t want to scare you off
or move too fast
but the way my heart
and body
every second I’m around you
time moves too fast
every touch
every look
I just want to be your one

in my bed

i run my fingers across his chest,
we lie there nearly bare
wearing only each other and
our love

i see the way he looks at me,
i am a goddess
a princess
an enchanting mermaid in the deep-
i am what the men want,
i, am what he

we flirt strategically
like this is a game we have become
at playing,
i say what i know excites him
he says what he knows will drive me

we kiss and tongue,
making love
until our steady pulsing
[pulse, pulse, pulsing]
makes the sweat
upon his brow
thicken and
he lets himself give in,
his body shuddering
and buttocks tightening,
our fingers tightly

and sigh,

we lie there nearly bare
wearing only each other and
a smile

—Septemer 24, 2002