I feel like a piece of me is missing again. After losing what I thought was supposed to be my life, I found and rediscovered parts of me I never realized I had lost. And still. In this very moment, I feel empty. There is a space inside me with nothing in it. There is a hole, a void. I don’t think it is another person that is missing. It’s something of me. I wonder if I have been giving up little pieces of my soul this entire time. I am confused about what I want, about what I need. I don’t know what it is that’s missing. Is it connection? Is it validation? Is it love? I think I need all of those things–from myself.

your face

it’s easier now to see your face
just a memory
of what used to be
now slowly fading over time

i used to know the person
behind those eyes
or at least i thought i did
i don’t think that person
ever truly existed

one day
maybe one day
there will be a new face
one to trust
one to love
a face that didn’t break my heart
a face that didn’t betray me
one that will show me
i can still feel that way again

the way you fucked me

how did it feel
to fuck my throat
then fuck me over
like I am nothing?

how did it feel
to use me
when you needed me
without regard
to what I needed
or wanted
or straight up deserved?

how did it feel
to see my desperation
to see my humiliation?

did you feel powerful?

did you feel better?

did you feel me
or see me
at all?

shame

When it comes to sex, why do women feel so much shame? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? What is so wrong about learning, and feeling, and enjoying? I am my own worst enemy. If my story was my friend’s, my acquaintance’s, a stranger’s–there would be no judgment. But why…why when it comes to me do I feel so…slutty? For 18 years, I had only know one man. I had given myself only to one person. It was supposed to be forever. (What happened to forever?) I was betrayed. And rejected. And made to feel not good enough, not worthy enough. So bring the affirmations. I am amazing. I am worthy. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I will not feel guilty for living my life. I will not feel guilty for doing what I want. I will not feel guilty for being me.

untitled

I want to feel
you
all over me

Bring the wet
Bring your breath
Bring your tongue

I want to feel
you
all over me

Let me feel the heat

Bring me
to the edge
Bring me
to the peak

I want you

All
Over
Me

just stop

Why does my heart insist on feeling this way?
my mind is still drowning in the memories
It remembers every beat
thump
thump
thump
that practically came right out of my chest
It remembers every tear
every cry out in pain
every lonely second so near someone
you thought you knew

Why does my heart insist on feeling this way?
It opens itself up again
when it clearly isn’t ready
don’t you remember?
can’t you remember?

ghosting and
settling and
obsessing and
hoping

Why does
my heart
feel this way?

untitled

I have cried
I have hurt
I have felt the deepness, the darkness, the sadness
of your lies
your betrayal

but you cannot break me
you cannot change me
you will not take me

I am here
she is here
she always was
she never left
she may have been hiding
waiting
but she is here

and there is lightness
and hope
and love
and more
so much more

what you didn’t know
what I didn’t know
she knew

she knew.