a girl who writes

I still don’t understand how you could lie until the very end and why it was so easy for you to walk away.

drink this wine
taste it on my lips

sing with me
laugh with me
dance with me

take my hand
your fingers through my hair
heavied breathing
skin to skin

can we do it all again?

how exquisite
when a man sees you
and hears you
and lets you be

you invaded my dreams again
a fantasy world where
we would actually fight and
you would say something
anything

it could be this awful month
stirring up the embers
reigniting the flame

10
our wedding
14
our anniversary
24
day my world was set aflame
26 and 27
night everything burned to the ground

and now
nearly a year later
I am still sweeping up ashes
still trying to clean up the mess you made
while you still fuck with my mind
without even trying

some days
my heart is still broken
and I miss your face
the way you laugh
the way our fingers fit together
when we held each other’s hands

some days
the pain still cuts so deep
and I find myself waiting for that answer
I will never receive

some days
it takes every inch of my being
not to send that text
not to ask how you are doing
not to ask
do you miss me?

I don’t want a fairy tale
I don’t need a white knight
I’ve already saved myself

is it fear?
am I afraid?
of
moving forward
moving on
settling

is it lack of trust?
am I worried?
about
moving too fast
letting people down
the past

boldly living a new life
trying new things
but still frightened
terrified
of the pace
of the timing

a little flame
or a giant explosion
what is the spark
that ignites a connection
and feeds your desire

what brings you joy?
what makes you proud?
a whole new life
a brand new me
it’s the little victories
that now mean the most

replacing a battery in a smoke detector
changing the air filters in your home
taking out and bringing in the trash bin
hanging up a piece of art
setting up your own wifi

to some they may seem minor
but you know
to do the tasks that were never “yours”
is one of the ways you know
you have have moved on

all these swirling words
inside my mind
I catch them
and release them
but sometimes they come back
and I write the same things over
and over
and over again
another lesson
I still have not learned
the same issues
just wrapped up
in different packaging