repeating

all these swirling words
inside my mind
I catch them
and release them
but sometimes they come back
and I write the same things over
and over
and over again
another lesson
I still have not learned
the same issues
just wrapped up
in different packaging

How do you measure a year?

It’s been nearly a year now
10.5 months
45 weeks
317 days
7,608 hours
456,480 minutes
since I found out my marriage was a sham

What have I been doing this whole time?
Have I not been working on myself?
Have I not cried?
Have I not screamed?
Have I not hidden in dark rooms and under blankets?
Have I not found written word again?
Have I not sought help from a therapist?
Have I not continued to raise my children,
and maintained a home,
and worked a fabulous job?
Have I not been doing things I love?
Have I not been experiencing new things?

Why do some still see me as broken?
Because sometimes I have trust issues?
That does not make me a project in need of repair.
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am loving.
I am beautiful.
I am so much more than words can express.
You may not see what I see
or feel what I feel,
but hear me:

I am doing just fine.

you are all you need

I am done

these men who
love bomb you with affection
use you to get their dick wet
take advantage of your trust and betray

all these fucking men who
lead you on
piss you off
try to break you down

what they don’t know
what they can’t see
is your strength

you are all you need

my wound

my mind feels fuzzy tonight
my heart a little tired
I didn’t sign up for this life
it’s just what I was given
in his little face is yours
and there are times it
breaks my heart
all over again
an open wound always left
slightly bleeding
because I will never be
rid of you
you will always be
a part of him
of me
even though you
DON’T
deserve to be

not just fucking

all these men
they want hard, rough sex
they want to spank you
and bite you
and grab your hair
and choke you

just once
show me a man
who will hold you
caress your skin softly
kiss you slowly
go down on you gently

a man with patience
and kindness
concerned with your desire
comfort
and pleasure

modern men

Men will rationalize how they treat you. They will talk about standards that are higher than they actually hold themselves to. They will talk about respect, but then disrespect you in the worst possible ways. They cheat on you, they use you, they ghost you, and they will continue to do so until you stop allowing yourself to be treated this away and take your power back. You don’t need to be afraid like these cowardly men. Show them how bright your light shines. Delete them, block them, and walk your fine ass out that door.

the inbetween

I don’t want
to share a home
a ring
to just fuck
one night

I want
to run my fingers through someone’s hair
to tell someone about my day
good morning and good night texts
wine and laughing and singing

I don’t want
endless small talk
breadcrumbs and ghosting

I just want
my person

….

of all the things you took from me
I miss my naivety the most

I no longer believe in soulmates
no one person for you
for me
for anyone

love is not innocent anymore
it hurts
it breaks
it betrays

I no longer blindly trust
why should I
when the one person I could count on
lied straight to my face
every day
for months

the hopeless romantic in me
is long gone now
and all that’s left is just
….