a girl who writes

how exquisite
when a man sees you
and hears you
and lets you be

you invaded my dreams again
a fantasy world where
we would actually fight and
you would say something
anything

it could be this awful month
stirring up the embers
reigniting the flame

10
our wedding
14
our anniversary
24
day my world was set aflame
26 and 27
night everything burned to the ground

and now
nearly a year later
I am still sweeping up ashes
still trying to clean up the mess you made
while you still fuck with my mind
without even trying

some days
my heart is still broken
and I miss your face
the way you laugh
the way our fingers fit together
when we held each other’s hands

some days
the pain still cuts so deep
and I find myself waiting for that answer
I will never receive

some days
it takes every inch of my being
not to send that text
not to ask how you are doing
not to ask
do you miss me?

I don’t want a fairy tale
I don’t need a white knight
I’ve already saved myself

is it fear?
am I afraid?
of
moving forward
moving on
settling

is it lack of trust?
am I worried?
about
moving too fast
letting people down
the past

boldly living a new life
trying new things
but still frightened
terrified
of the pace
of the timing

a little flame
or a giant explosion
what is the spark
that ignites a connection
and feeds your desire

what brings you joy?
what makes you proud?
a whole new life
a brand new me
it’s the little victories
that now mean the most

replacing a battery in a smoke detector
changing the air filters in your home
taking out and bringing in the trash bin
hanging up a piece of art
setting up your own wifi

to some they may seem minor
but you know
to do the tasks that were never “yours”
is one of the ways you know
you have have moved on

all these swirling words
inside my mind
I catch them
and release them
but sometimes they come back
and I write the same things over
and over
and over again
another lesson
I still have not learned
the same issues
just wrapped up
in different packaging

stop
breathe
listen
write
repeat

It’s been nearly a year now
10.5 months
45 weeks
317 days
7,608 hours
456,480 minutes
since I found out my marriage was a sham

What have I been doing this whole time?
Have I not been working on myself?
Have I not cried?
Have I not screamed?
Have I not hidden in dark rooms and under blankets?
Have I not found written word again?
Have I not sought help from a therapist?
Have I not continued to raise my children,
and maintained a home,
and worked a fabulous job?
Have I not been doing things I love?
Have I not been experiencing new things?

Why do some still see me as broken?
Because sometimes I have trust issues?
That does not make me a project in need of repair.
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am loving.
I am beautiful.
I am so much more than words can express.
You may not see what I see
or feel what I feel,
but hear me:

I am doing just fine.