Author: Donna

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Who Helps Me?

Supposed to be a super mom,
a super worker,
a super woman.

Sometimes,
not even a good enough mom,
not even a decent worker,
just a subpar woman.

Somehow,
I manage to shove, and stuff, and hide
whatever the fuck this is
down inside
somewhere
my kids won’t be able to see it,
but I can still hear it,
the frustration in my voice,
the exasperation,
the light,
my light,
just dying,
slowly, slowly dying.

I simply don’t have enough to give to responsible adults
whose simple requests are far too much for me to bear
at this single moment in time.

I don’t have any answers,
or reminders,
or assistance,
or leadership left.

I am just a shell of who I used to be,
or of who I pretended to be,
or wanted to be,
or expected my fucking self to be.

I’ve been down this road too many times before.
Others happiness is too much.
Others struggles are too much.

I. Can. Not. Help. You.

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I can’t remember the last time I journaled. It doesn’t really matter. What does is I always end up coming back to writing my thoughts down.

My first little baby started middle school this week. I vary from feeling proud, and sad, and nervous, and excited, and so on. Ethan has been a trustworthy kid, but it’s scary as hell letting him out into the world alone. I want to protect him from anything and everything, but that’s impossible. He gets to be more independent and I have to allow him the freedom to do that; otherwise, he won’t grow up right. 

I had an epiphany that part of the reason I am feeling so weird is that most of the memories I have of when I was younger started in junior high. I don’t remember much of elementary school or before. But, I can vividly remember starting 6th grade and everything after. It’s probably because the summer before was traumatic. It’s when my family moved to Arizona, but without my mom.

Ethan’s childhood has been so different from mine. I always have these terrible intrusive thoughts that I am not a good enough mother—that I should be doing more or be doing things a differently. If I sit and really think about it though, none of that is true at all. I am a great mom. I do the best I can. More importantly, I always put those two boys first. I may not be a “trad mom” so-to-speak, but I am always there for them and always show them how much I love them.

I can’t remember the last time I saw or spoke to my mom. She stopped attempting to contact me. It’s fine. It is what it is. It just really blows my mind when I think of me&her and me&the boys. It’s easy to fantasize about what life might be like had you not had children. You think about what it’d be like to just do whatever and go wherever you want. The freedom. But, how can you just not want to see your kids for months on end? I guess a lot of dads are like that—only seeing their kid every other weekend or during the summer. You don’t see a lot of moms doing that though. As much as the boys’ dad gets on my nerves, I am grateful that he is so involved in their lives. I guess I’m still salty about it—even thirty years later.

But, she doesn’t matter. Ethan does.  I anxiously look forward to seeing how  much more he grows up.

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Being Social

I am struggling lately with being social. I just want to stay in, wrap myself in a blanket, and snuggle with my dog. Maintaining friendships, making plans, going out—I just don’t have the mental capacity to manage any of that at the moment. Maybe my brain is slightly out of tune again. I don’t know. What I do know is I don’t have the energy for being social. The few times I get to myself, the quiet is so calming. Maybe I am overstimulated. Either way, I need to figure it out.

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Camping With Your Ex

Every year, my sister’s family goes on a camping trip with several of friends from out of state. I missed last year’s trip and due to procrastination and poor planning, I found myself last minute wondering how I was going to be able to make this trip happen with the boys. It was on a weekend that wasn’t mine. And the following weekend was my fiancé’s birthday. I ended up asking if my ex would be interested in coming with the boys and doing a double camping trip and he agreed!

It’s amazing how far I have come in the last few years. The pain and heartache I endured during the end of my relationship with my ex was so immense. It was hard to see or imagine what my future held. Had my ex not had his affair, we’d probably still be together. But we were two different people. He was moving into this outdoorsy lifestyle and that is just not me. Because of everything that happened, I found myself in a better relationship. One with someone I can always be myself around. One who is never afraid to talk to me. For that, I wouldn’t change the past, because it brought me to him.

As for the camping trip, it really went great. I could not sleep for the life of me, but the boys had fun. It didn’t feel too weird having their dad there. Though both boys did agree it was a little weird that we were both in the same place together like that. My sister and brother-in-law’s friends were very welcoming and nice to my ex. Maybe he will join us again next year.

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What Kind of Mom Are You?

Having such a strained relationship with my mother, I’m always thinking about this sort of thing. I’m a silly mom. I’m an affectionate mom. I’m an open mom. I am also way more connected and way more involved than my mom ever was with me. It always makes me sad.

Mother’s Day came and passed. I didn’t hear from my mom, nor did I try to contact her. My birthday was shorty after Mother’s Day and she did text me. I couldn’t bring myself to write her back though. Why? What’s the point? So we can exchange “pleasantries?” So she can feel better about herself? I don’t want a relationship with someone who hides their life from me. This isn’t a one-way street. You don’t get access to my life while withholding yours.

So, I just try to be the best mom I can to my boys. Sometimes that is a lazy mom. Sometimes that is a fun mom. In any case, my kids know that I am here and always will be here for them.

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Love

two awkward souls
with different kinds of weird
find each other
and create
something magical

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Football > Marriage

It’s strange how your brain associates things. I have a salty connection with fantasy football drafts. Even though it’s been four years now, I still feel resentment. Here’s what happened.

My ex-husband and I were in the middle of trying to reconcile. Our marriage was in shambles and I was desperately trying to repair it. I remember writing down something. What exactly was on the page, I don’t recall. What I do remember is that it was deeply important to me. I wanted him to go over my letter. I wanted to talk to him about it. I wanted to fix our relationship. He, on the other hand, had different plans. Instead, it was more important to him to prepare for his work’s fantasy football draft. His marriage was crumbling and his priority was to study which players to pick for a sport he doesn’t even fucking watch. It’s no surprise that we officially separated shortly after this.

My boyfriend now also participates in a fantasy football league. Unlike my ex-husband, my boyfriend is actually a sports fan. He loves football. His team is the Bears. He’s adopted the Raiders now that they’re in Vegas. He watches it every Sunday. His dream would be to set up wall-to-wall TVs so he could watch multiple games at a time. How his brain could even handle all of that is another discussion. I felt a little embarrassed to admit to my boyfriend how I feel about fantasy football drafts. It seems a little silly, but he understood. I am always grateful for him and his patience with me when I am dealing with my past. Trying to work through your issues is tough sometimes, but it helps to have a great partner.

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Lost Again

Ever since I got back from Knott’s with the boys I have been mentally and emotionally all over the place. I missed several days of my medication on vacation. I forgot to take them. I quickly got back on schedule, but still, I feel completely all out of sorts. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I feel overly emotionally and mentally all over the place.

On Thursday, the boys and I went to the animal shelter and adopted a dog. I last through the weekend. I feel incredibly guilty and like a fucking shitty ass mom. It’s been three years since I had my dachshunds. The boys are older. I thought I was in a good place. Then, over the weekend, while the boys were with their dad, I was a giant ball of anxiety. I cried and cried. I felt like I had made this huge mistake. Monday, even though he was a great dog, I returned him to the shelter. The boys are mad at me, as they should be. But what could I do? I am so angry with myself.

I am not quite right at the moment and I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. And sad. And guilty. And disappointed.

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Random Thoughts on Hair

I went to the salon last week to get my hair done. It had been a while. I had a good two inches of roots showing and my hair was the longest it’s ever been. I had my hair dyed and chopped a good amount of length off. I felt like a whole new person afterward. It got me thinking how women’s identities rely heavily on their hair.

For years and years and years, I had the same a-line bob. Sometimes it’d be a little shorter. Sometimes a little longer. But, it was always pretty much the same. When I found out my ex-husband had been cheating on me, I happened to have a hair appointment a few days later. When I went in, I wanted to change my whole look. I was going through something terrible and I didn’t feel like myself. I needed to look different. That’s when highlights, bangs, and a different cut came in.

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2021

Let’s start and focus on some of the good things that happened in 2021.

  • My first NEW new car.
  • Family camping trip, take 2. A fantastic escape with the best people! A two-day road trip. Death Valley. Bodie Ghost Town. Loon Lake near Lake Tahoe. The Clown Motel.
  • Getaways with the boys. Disneyland twice. California Adventure. Knott’s Berry Farm. Plus waking up next to the ocean!
  • Staycations. So many fun nights on the Strip with Nick. Drinks, slots, and so, so, so much walking.
  • Chicago. Meeting Nick’s family and friends. Museum. The Bean. Downtown Chicago. Italian beef. Deep dish pizza.
  • Shows! Backstreet Boys/NSYNC/Boyz II Men. The Nutcracker. A Christmas Carole.
  • Bowling league with my dad, brother, and brother-in-law.
  • So many hockey games. Go, Knights, Go!
  • Celebrating 2 years with Nick.
  • Ending the year in the best financial position of my entire life.

The bad?

  • Getting ghosted by my mom. Though it did help me to realize that I don’t want a relationship with her that is going to be me pretending I don’t know about her “second life.”
  • The first half of the year was still an adventure in distance learning. We got through it, but man that shit was hard.
  • Too many health scares. Finding out my dad had skin cancer. (It was all successfully removed. Thank god!) An abnormal pap, HPV, and colposcopy for myself. (The biopsy came back benign. Again, thank god!)

Way more good than bad. Here’s to 2022!