it’s hard to silence 18 years

I still get mad sometimes. The one-sided conversations (you remember, the ones you said were attacks) pop up in my mind and get me raging all over again. Just because I’m upset, it doesn’t mean I want you back. I don’t need you or miss you, but I still grieve. I mourn for the life I’d made up in head. I mourn for the man who doesn’t exist. Sometimes I still want things that aren’t real.


I may not be yours
and you might not
be mine
but I still feel comfort
in holding your hand
and laughing with you
and drinking with you
and talking with you
maybe it’s not what I imagined it to be
but you and me
the things you showed me
and taught me
the way you brought the smile
and the light
back into my life
you are and always will be
part of me

more words about you

I told you to leave
because I knew
I deserved better than
what you did to me
what you were doing to me

it hurt when you walked away
and I realized
you were not as upset as me
you could never be as upset as me

I wonder what pieces of me
you took with you
when you left

parts of my heart
now left with all these deep holes
most of my trust
all of my innocence
and hope

good thing though
you can grow back most of those things

I am gold

I will see my value
I will not allow
to make me feel anything less than
my worth
because I am gold
I am diamonds
I am everything
and so much more


she gets set back
but it’s okay

she gets tired
but it’s okay

she makes mistakes
and has regrets
but it’s okay

underneath the
self-doubt and
she is still strong
she can overcome

but for tonight
she will just rest

a buzz and a bing

a little hi
a quick how are you
an easy hey
a fast what’s up
and simple
enough to show an interest

more to share
but I’m holding back
slow down
don’t move too fast
don’t be
just be


sometimes I still feel tied to you
weighted down by

were you never who I thought you were?
was I never what I thought I was?

one foot out
one foot in
done but still dealing with
still working on
everything that went wrong