a girl who writes

After decades of moving, I think I may have finally found home.

constant consumption of sex
bodies, skin, legs, breasts, asses
thin frames
perfectly made up
faces and hair
posed and filtered
poking at my every fucking
insecurity
until it’s practically
screaming
in my mind
you
will never
look
like this

I am drowning
in feelings of inadequacy
why am I never fucking enough?
I am lost
in a thick layer of distrust
I cannot see where I am going
constantly hitting
dead ends and
rocky roads that lead nowhere
I am tired and
numb
I am drowning

I want to drink wine and
talk until 1am
I want to hear every story and
tell every one of mine
I want to know the little details
of each and every day and
share mine in return
I need someone to know me
really, really know me
the new me and
the old me

I sometimes worry that maybe nobody will ever know me quite so deeply again.

unzip my dress
undress me slowly
I want your lips
all over
my body
your fingers caressing
my skin
so slowly
your tongue
dancing
with mine
you take me
deep
so deep
I love the way you feel
inside me
all
over
me

my words get lost sometimes
I try to be still to hear them
but things in my mind are too
fuzzy right now
too loud

distracted by other’s bull shit
running around solving other’s problems

what do I need?
what do I want?

I still can’t find my words

your arms wrapped around me
a kiss to the top of my head
boy, you make my heart feel full

blood alone does not make you family
we may be related but
I don’t owe you anything
it is not a child’s responsibility
to maintain a relationship with their mother
it is a mother’s duty not to abandon her children

I built a wall around my heart
to protect it from you
and anyone like you
I will not allow myself to be betrayed
or taken for granted
ever again