I am struggling lately with being social. I just want to stay in, wrap myself in a blanket, and snuggle with my dog. Maintaining friendships, making plans, going out—I just don’t have the mental capacity to manage any of that at the moment. Maybe my brain is slightly out of tune again. I don’t know. What I do know is I don’t have the energy for being social. The few times I get to myself, the quiet is so calming. Maybe I am overstimulated. Either way, I need to figure it out.
Camping With Your Ex
Every year, my sister’s family goes on a camping trip with several of friends from out of state. I missed last year’s trip and due to procrastination and poor planning, I found myself last minute wondering how I was going to be able to make this trip happen with the boys. It was on a weekend that wasn’t mine. And the following weekend was my fiancé’s birthday. I ended up asking if my ex would be interested in coming with the boys and doing a double camping trip and he agreed!
It’s amazing how far I have come in the last few years. The pain and heartache I endured during the end of my relationship with my ex was so immense. It was hard to see or imagine what my future held. Had my ex not had his affair, we’d probably still be together. But we were two different people. He was moving into this outdoorsy lifestyle and that is just not me. Because of everything that happened, I found myself in a better relationship. One with someone I can always be myself around. One who is never afraid to talk to me. For that, I wouldn’t change the past, because it brought me to him.
As for the camping trip, it really went great. I could not sleep for the life of me, but the boys had fun. It didn’t feel too weird having their dad there. Though both boys did agree it was a little weird that we were both in the same place together like that. My sister and brother-in-law’s friends were very welcoming and nice to my ex. Maybe he will join us again next year.
What Kind of Mom Are You?
Having such a strained relationship with my mother, I’m always thinking about this sort of thing. I’m a silly mom. I’m an affectionate mom. I’m an open mom. I am also way more connected and way more involved than my mom ever was with me. It always makes me sad.
Mother’s Day came and passed. I didn’t hear from my mom, nor did I try to contact her. My birthday was shorty after Mother’s Day and she did text me. I couldn’t bring myself to write her back though. Why? What’s the point? So we can exchange “pleasantries?” So she can feel better about herself? I don’t want a relationship with someone who hides their life from me. This isn’t a one-way street. You don’t get access to my life while withholding yours.
So, I just try to be the best mom I can to my boys. Sometimes that is a lazy mom. Sometimes that is a fun mom. In any case, my kids know that I am here and always will be here for them.
Football > Marriage
It’s strange how your brain associates things. I have a salty connection with fantasy football drafts. Even though it’s been four years now, I still feel resentment. Here’s what happened.
My ex-husband and I were in the middle of trying to reconcile. Our marriage was in shambles and I was desperately trying to repair it. I remember writing down something. What exactly was on the page, I don’t recall. What I do remember is that it was deeply important to me. I wanted him to go over my letter. I wanted to talk to him about it. I wanted to fix our relationship. He, on the other hand, had different plans. Instead, it was more important to him to prepare for his work’s fantasy football draft. His marriage was crumbling and his priority was to study which players to pick for a sport he doesn’t even fucking watch. It’s no surprise that we officially separated shortly after this.
My boyfriend now also participates in a fantasy football league. Unlike my ex-husband, my boyfriend is actually a sports fan. He loves football. His team is the Bears. He’s adopted the Raiders now that they’re in Vegas. He watches it every Sunday. His dream would be to set up wall-to-wall TVs so he could watch multiple games at a time. How his brain could even handle all of that is another discussion. I felt a little embarrassed to admit to my boyfriend how I feel about fantasy football drafts. It seems a little silly, but he understood. I am always grateful for him and his patience with me when I am dealing with my past. Trying to work through your issues is tough sometimes, but it helps to have a great partner.
Under His Eye
Yesterday, I stepped out of comfort zone and went to a cosplay bar by myself. Nick was working so he couldn’t come with me. I really wanted to show off my Offred/handmaid costume again. I entered the costume contest and although I didn’t win, my costume was a big success. A couple people wanted pictures.
A guy I dated in the past was a regular at this bar and at some point after we dated he became the official photographer. Although this guy was the one who first took me to this place, I had heard of it previously and had already been wanting to check it out.it took a whole glass of a wine cocktail for me to work up the nerve to get my photo taken by him. I knew it was going to be awkward, but it was kind of worse than I thought. Honestly, I don’t blame him for not wanting to say anything at all to me. I am the villain in his story. I know that. I am not sure what I was hoping for. I really just wanted him to be doing well. We were not a great match relationship-wise, but I still want happiness for him. I guess part of me to is sad that every past relationship I have had has ended without any additional contact. Maybe that’s how all relationships go?
This ex told me once that he was not the same guy referring to my ex-husband who cheated on me). Nick recently made a similar statement after I had been emotional about him working and staying on the strip so much. The difference is Nick said right after that he got it though. He understands that it has to be hard with what ex- husband did and my mom too. Two people close to you. I get it, but I wouldn’t do that to you. Just Nick acknowledging that and understanding my past made me feel sane, sate, and loved. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for him.
Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. It hasn’t felt that long at all. Time has flown by. I’m looking forward to another year together. And like forever too….
Can’t Stop Me
The boys and I are back in town after a week-long camping road trip. We drove through Death Valley. Spent the night in a cute cabin near a creek. Explored the ghost town of Bodie, California. Camped at Loon Lake. Had ice cream in Carson City across from our state’s government buildings. Spent the night in the famous “haunted” Clown Motel. There were laughs, and kid fights, and parents worn thin. It was an adventure and a great memory-making trip. My second-time camping was another success.
We spent lots of time at the lake, both in the water and on the shore. We did a short hike—I am sorely out of shape. The boys tried to fish. I threw rocks in the lake with my cute nephew. The boys got to kayak with some of the adults. I was talked into kayaking for the first time and immediately flipped the boat and fell into the water. All around, it was great!
While driving home, I realized some of my favorite memories of trips have been the embarrassing ones. My favorite thing about this camping trip was falling out of the kayak. One trip to Duck Creek in Utah, I slipped off a rope swing and slid my ass down part of a hill. I laughed so hard. I think these are my favorite moments because it shows how resilient I am and have been. I get knocked down and I get the fuck back up. That’s me.
June is almost over. While I do have new, happy associations with the month, it is still filled with a lot of painful reminders of the past. It would have been 15 years of marriage. It would have been 21 years together. It has been 3 years since I joined a club I never thought I’d be a part of. It’s all worked out for the better, but I can’t say I don’t fall into that dark hole sometimes. I still allow my mind to go places it shouldn’t. Even though I know better. It feels like I am out of control. I have to remind myself that healing is not something that you just accomplish and be done with. It’s an ongoing, never-ending process. I have to allow myself patience and forgiveness. I am not going to be perfect and that is okay.
a girl who writes 