you are all a part of me now

to the past loves
to the ones who never were
to the ones who used me
to the ones I used
to the ones who broke me
the intense romance
the toxic relationships
the lessons learned
the experience gained
the heart rebuilt

some are just not kind
they use you up, throw you out
just a memory

stuck

Sometimes, I don’t know who I am.
What makes me, me?
Am I trying too hard to be what and who I was in the past?
If I am not reading,
writing,
singing,
have I lost myself?
Am I just evolving into someone new?
Someone better?
Do I force the old ways?
Embrace new ways?
Sometimes, it feels like too much pressure.

it’s the way you love me

the way you love astounds me
maybe it was like that in the beginning for me
the first time
but it was so long ago I can’t remember

it’s your calm and patience
when I am ugly crying
completely lost in my mind and emotions

it’s the way you remind
everything is going to be all right
we’re going to be all right

I’ve unintentionally trained myself
that if I show to much emotion
if I don’t hold it all together
my partner will bottle up and shut down
but you don’t

you don’t.

I’ll be fine next to you

you hold me when I’m
scared
sad
tired

you brush my hair
with your hand
and tell me not to worry
I will be fine

you hold back judgment
but give so much in
understanding,
patience

I’m always discovering new
reasons I love you

open book

you love me through my every insecurity
your honesty and bluntness
create a unique, safe space for my heart
there is no wondering
what you mean or
how you feel
you are an open book that
I love to read

just us

you are my safe space
you love me when I forget to love myself
you hold me and
see me and
know me
we fit so well together
and everyday I am grateful

I hope he doesn’t

girl, I know that pain
I’ve heard the lies
I’ve seen history rewritten
I’ve felt that heart-pounding
gut-wrenching
moment
when you learn
the person you trusted
the person you loved
threw away 18 years

infidelity
cheating
liar
narcissist

girl, I know that pain
you know that pain
I hope he doesn’t do to you
what he did to me
what yours did to you

Fat & Beautiful

My sweet boy is always telling me I am so beautiful and that he loves me. He always compliments pretty dresses and manicures. For class one day he was drawing a picture of me. He drew a big round body and says “because I’m fat.” When I separated from my ex-husband, I lost a good 40 pounds. Then came the pandemic, quarantine, and work from home. I’ve gained over half of the weight I lost back. I’ve been feeling upset about it and worried that my new partner would suddenly find me disgusting. But it occurred to me that my son still kept calling me beautiful even with the extra weight. The words to him weren’t mutually exclusive. Yes, I may be fat at the moment, but it doesn’t mean I’m not pretty, beautiful, or worthy of love.