There it was. Right there on the phone screen. 🔥 My heart dropped into my stomach. Why was I here again? How did I miss the signs? What is wrong with me? While I was trying to gather the right words to say, your friend comes up and grabs the phone. “Is that not your phone?” A moment of relief. But a stark reminder of the past. A pain that still often haunts me.
Men will rationalize how they treat you. They will talk about standards that are higher than they actually hold themselves to. They will talk about respect, but then disrespect you in the worst possible ways. They cheat on you, they use you, they ghost you, and they will continue to do so until you stop allowing yourself to be treated this away and take your power back. You don’t need to be afraid like these cowardly men. Show them how bright your light shines. Delete them, block them, and walk your fine ass out that door.
I will not chase you or anyone else. You will not use me. I see right through your two-faced bullshit. Quit pretending to be someone and something else.
Sometimes it feels like I am waiting to see your face on my phone, so I can argue with myself about whether to swipe left or right.
I feel like a piece of me is missing again. After losing what I thought was supposed to be my life, I found and rediscovered parts of me I never realized I had lost. And still. In this very moment, I feel empty. There is a space inside me with nothing in it. There is a hole, a void. I don’t think it is another person that is missing. It’s something of me. I wonder if I have been giving up little pieces of my soul this entire time. I am confused about what I want, about what I need. I don’t know what it is that’s missing. Is it connection? Is it validation? Is it love? I think I need all of those things–from myself.
When it comes to sex, why do women feel so much shame? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? What is so wrong about learning, and feeling, and enjoying? I am my own worst enemy. If my story was my friend’s, my acquaintance’s, a stranger’s–there would be no judgment. But why…why when it comes to me do I feel so…slutty? For 18 years, I had only know one man. I had given myself only to one person. It was supposed to be forever. (What happened to forever?) I was betrayed. And rejected. And made to feel not good enough, not worthy enough. So bring the affirmations. I am amazing. I am worthy. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I will not feel guilty for living my life. I will not feel guilty for doing what I want. I will not feel guilty for being me.