We were strangers when we met. Two people swiping. Hoping maybe for some kind of connection. When I saw you and sat down with you, it felt comfortable. First dates are always a little nerve wracking, but the more we talked, the more at ease I felt. It was like I’d known you for a while. You were authentic and real. You were kind and soft. After that first kiss, I knew I was basically yours.
1. You were supposed to be the love of my life. We were supposed to grow old together. Instead, I learned what the sting of betrayal feels like. You showed me that love is not a fairy tale. I can longer be so naive in how I look at love. But, without realizing, you also helped me find things I didn’t realize were lost. I am stronger than I have ever been before. I have discovered new sides of me. I have become an amazing woman. Without the pain and the hurt, I probably wouldn’t be the girl you see today.
2. We were never destined or fated to be together. Not that I believe in any of that anymore. But, what you taught me is that there are emotional men out there who can communicate. Though your emotions were often set aflame, I will forever be grateful for the time and lessons I learned with you. We connected because of our past and pain. You showed me the possibility of a different kind of relationship and I thank you. I am still saddened by the way our friendship crumbled apart. But, even in our ultimate downfall, I learned more about myself.
3. I wasn’t aware that I had more lessons to learn. Arrogantly, many of us believe we have everything figured out. But, you came into my life and showed me I still have so very much to be taught. My relationship with you made me very aware that I am still struggling with trust issues. I don’t think I realized how big of a wall I had constructed around my heart. I admire your desire to break down that wall, piece by piece, but ultimately we both knew that was only job I could do on my own. You did help me get out of my comfort zone. I tried new things I never dreamed I’d ever do. But, I think what partly attracted me to you in the beginning ended up being our demise. I hope you find what makes you happy. I believe you need to find someone who values the spotlight.
4. I don’t know you well yet. I still don’t believe in destiny or fate. But, I do feel a strong sense of connection when you are near me. Butterflies, sparks, lust. I don’t know what it is, but I am drawn to you. I may not love you yet, but if you give me time….
trying to contain your feelings
not getting ahead of yourself
he doesn’t know you and
you don’t know him
but there’s something wonderful
in the reminder that maybe
your heart isn’t as hard
as you’d thought it was
There it was. Right there on the phone screen. 🔥 My heart dropped into my stomach. Why was I here again? How did I miss the signs? What is wrong with me? While I was trying to gather the right words to say, your friend comes up and grabs the phone. “Is that not your phone?” A moment of relief. But a stark reminder of the past. A pain that still often haunts me.
Men will rationalize how they treat you. They will talk about standards that are higher than they actually hold themselves to. They will talk about respect, but then disrespect you in the worst possible ways. They cheat on you, they use you, they ghost you, and they will continue to do so until you stop allowing yourself to be treated this away and take your power back. You don’t need to be afraid like these cowardly men. Show them how bright your light shines. Delete them, block them, and walk your fine ass out that door.
I will not chase you or anyone else. You will not use me. I see right through your two-faced bullshit. Quit pretending to be someone and something else.
Sometimes it feels like I am waiting to see your face on my phone, so I can argue with myself about whether to swipe left or right.
I feel like a piece of me is missing again. After losing what I thought was supposed to be my life, I found and rediscovered parts of me I never realized I had lost. And still. In this very moment, I feel empty. There is a space inside me with nothing in it. There is a hole, a void. I don’t think it is another person that is missing. It’s something of me. I wonder if I have been giving up little pieces of my soul this entire time. I am confused about what I want, about what I need. I don’t know what it is that’s missing. Is it connection? Is it validation? Is it love? I think I need all of those things–from myself.
When it comes to sex, why do women feel so much shame? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? What is so wrong about learning, and feeling, and enjoying? I am my own worst enemy. If my story was my friend’s, my acquaintance’s, a stranger’s–there would be no judgment. But why…why when it comes to me do I feel so…slutty? For 18 years, I had only know one man. I had given myself only to one person. It was supposed to be forever. (What happened to forever?) I was betrayed. And rejected. And made to feel not good enough, not worthy enough. So bring the affirmations. I am amazing. I am worthy. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH. I will not feel guilty for living my life. I will not feel guilty for doing what I want. I will not feel guilty for being me.