Loyalty is a verb. Love is a verb. I can’t remember where I heard that, but it’s true. My heart is so full right now. It is crazy to think it has been two years since I started a new life all on my own. If you would have asked me then where I saw myself in the future, I’m not sure it would be here. I was so jaded and blinded by betrayal. I found parts of myself that had been missing for years, but also lost parts of me that had been there all along. I feel like I have been blessed with a real partner. Someone who appreciates the things I do. Someone who adores my body. Someone who can communicate at a high level. Someone who doesn’t shut down and bottle things up. I have found a man who sees me and loves me for exactly who I am. I am grateful for him and this new life I never expected.
my heart is full tonight
my mind is calm
what kind of magic happened to
bring us together
a kind of sweet and perfect timing
I could spend hours talking to you
and lying next to you
and taking you
into every part
do they miss me?
or just the idea of me?
nothing better than
crossing shit off
your own bucket list
My sister posted something to social media about our mom and how we haven’t spoken with her a several months now. Someone made a comment about life being too short, how he had recently lost relatives, and how would my sister feel if our mom passed away today? The comment seemed to imply that she was making a bad decision by choosing to cut our mom out of her life. Let me share with you a little story about my mother.
When I was 11 years old, my family moved to Arizona. My sister was 8 and my brother was 4. My dad was in the Air Force, so moving was just something you did a lot. Guess who did not come with us? My mom. She chose to stay behind so she could continue working. We lived in Arizona for 4 years. My mom would come down every few months to visit and shower us with material shit to show she “loved” us. It always used to bug me that my mom essentially abandoned us growing up. It wasn’t until recently, after I had my own children, that it bothered me more. My youngest is the same age my brother was when my mother left us. I just cannot imagine in any way, shape, or form how I would be okay seeing my two kids once every few months. Just no. How can you say you love your kids and basically never see them?
When we all finally moved back to Las Vegas, you’d think that when she was finally seeing us again everyday we’d be more connected, but no. She could never tell you what we were doing in school, who our friends were, what jobs we had, anything. She stayed out late at night and didn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning. She was only involved with us at a very superficial level.
Now the more recent. It finally comes out that for over a decade my mom has been having an affair with the same man. She’s traveled all around the world with him. She’s met all his family. His grandson was sitting in her car in the car seat that was supposed to be for my child. I tried to talk to my mom about all of this. I told her I’d scene the photos. She insisted that he was “just a friend.” After all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, she has the audacity to think I am stupid enough to believe that crap. I told her when she was ready to be honest, I was ready to forgive and move on. She still has not reached out to me.
So, if my mom passed away today, would I be okay with it? Damn fucking straight. Just because someone is related to you, it doesn’t make them family. You don’t automatically get to be a part of my life because we share some of the same DNA. She can continue to be a liar and do whatever else she wants, but I get to choose not be associated with that. A good friend recently told me that my family didn’t “implode” rather the universe has set you and the truth free. He’s 100% right.
I feel all Carrie Bradshaw and Sex & The City right now. I have only used my balcony a handful of times since I’ve been in my house. The weather is beautiful right now and I am trying to find myself again, so here I am, changing things up. Instead of lying in my bed, under the covers, writing something on my phone, I am out on my balcony, wearing leggings and fuzzy socks, typing on my laptop, listening to the crickets and sounds of my neighborhood. Honestly, it feels amazing. I am not sure why I haven’t done this sooner.
I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. We haven’t really spoken in months, but I think that’s the beauty of true friendship. When you’ve got a real friend, it doesn’t matter where you’ve left off or how long ago it was, you just pick right back up. You both live busy lives, but when it comes down to it, these are the people who will have your back forever. So, we caught each other up on the ups and downs for life. I rehashed the bullshit that is mother, the wonderfulness of the three (now four) musketeers, and the drama that is my love life. My friend is gifted with sight and guides and every time we talk, I am always shown and told what my heart and mind sometimes don’t want to admit. I always feel refreshed after our discussions.
And because I promised to write it down, I am more powerful than I believe and I am stronger the things I am accepting and doing right now.
I am fire
if you want something salty and sweet
with no opinion
I am not the woman for you
I spit flames
I ran into a friend unexpectedly on Thursday. We had the best catch-up conversation about mindset, mistakes, and life. Something she mentioned was rewriting the past. Your past doesn’t need to hold you hostage or make you a victim. Change it to make yourself feel secure and safe again. It got me thinking. I have always had a strong personality. I can be controlling and stubborn. I am a giver and have the tendency to lose myself in a relationship. What if I didn’t separate and divorce my ex-husband because he cheated on me? What if I didn’t leave because he obviously didn’t want me anymore? What if, instead, I moved on because I was ready for something else? What if I moved on because he wasn’t what I needed anymore? What if I left not because of the things he did or didn’t do, but because I decided I needed a new life? How does reframing my past affect how I view my present and my future? Instead of feeling “done wrong”, I can look at things in a different perspective.
One thing my friend and I believe strongly is that you can only control your own thoughts and beliefs. You shouldn’t let what others think affect your own beliefs. I have been accused of being like my ex-husband and other cheaters. That is not my truth. This person judged me and tried to shame me. It is not my fault that he assumed something more than what was. There was no implied commitment. It was and always has been casual. Why anybody thinks they have the right to make judgments on someone else’s sexual activity when they are single is beyond me. Ever since my separation, sex has been about fun and pleasure. Sometimes there is an emotional connection, but that is not necessary for me. Not anymore. There is nothing wrong with a woman owning her sexuality. I won’t let anybody else’s moral judgments make me feel bad. I was fucking around two weeks after I was officially separated from my relationship of nearly two decades. I didn’t feel bad about that and I won’t feel bad about this.
I am grateful to have ran into my girlfriend. I feel like the universe knew I needed her. She has been where I have been and her wisdom and understanding is always appreciated.
I’ve been a bad, bad girl
I’ve been careless with a delicate man
And it’s a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don’t you tell me to deny it
I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins
I’ve come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin
—Criminal by Fiona Apple
My number one go-to karaoke song for years. It has a deeper meaning for me these days. How I managed to create such a fucking disastrous cluster is beyond me. Maybe the universe or God is trying to teach me a very hard lesson. Either way, I am paying attention now and feeling great remorse for the pain I have inflicted on people. I did not intend to hurt anyone, but my truth isn’t their truth. I don’t believe they will see it from my perspective and that’s okay. They don’t need to. All that’s left is for me process the situation and find out what it is I am supposed to learn from this. Obviously, I needed a hard kick in the ass, but I am listening now. Show me, universe, what I need to see.